I’ve been a serial apologizer for most of my adult life. I’ve said sorry for being late and being early, for raising my voice, and for not speaking loudly enough. I’ve been guilty of blurting out apologies before I even had time to think if I really meant them — a force of habit no longer within my control.
I know my case isn’t a singular one. My mum has apologized to me in the past for not being able to keep up with me when I was the one walking too fast. And I bet you have said a fair share of “sorrys” that you later felt had been unnecessary. We seem to live under the constant pressure of falling short of someone’s expectations and potentially losing the “good person” status in the eyes of friends, family, and that random stranger who asked us to let them through in the line at the bakery.
The habit of compulsive apologizing has been studied. A YouGov survey, conducted among Americans, shows that 24% of its participants apologize for things outside their control at least once per day, including 11% who do so several times a day.
Have people become so easily offended that an apology is now an inevitable part of our day? Has the habit of excessive apologizing found its way into our DNA, so now we do it on an impulse?
For me, saying “sorry” often goes hand-in-hand with saying “no” — an observation that, once I became aware of it, made me question how confident I am in my decisions and judgments (not very confident, as you might deduce). Yet over the recent years, I have deliberately been working on owning my “nos” as much as my “sorrys” — and I’ve noticed the former become a bit more frequent and the latter less rare but more sincere. So here are my four things I no longer apologize for.
1. Declining Invitations Without Guilt
It’s lovely and flattering to be invited to events. To know your company is appreciated and your presence is desired there. But while invitations can cater to our egos and open doors to a good time, there are times when we can’t accept them — whether because we already have something else planned, or because circumstances prevent us from attending, or simply because we don’t want to.
It’s that last reason that is the toughest one for me, personally, to respect and to decline an invitation. Saying honestly “I don’t feel like going” can potentially hurt the feelings of whoever has issued the invitation, and I wouldn’t want to do that. There have been times where the fear of offending someone took over and made me say yes in spite of my emotional (or financial) resources being dangerously low, and I ended up having a miserable time at an event I never wanted to go to in the first place. But hey, at least I avoided offending someone, right?
Well, no more. After multiple instances of having said “yes” to something I desperately wanted to say “no” to — and the subsequent regret — I started giving myself promises to do better next time, and again, and again, until I actually started doing better. As it turns out, most people are going to be understanding if you decline their invite, especially if you attach a brief explanation of your reasons for refusal – not to apologize, but to add some context and let the other person know they shouldn’t take it personally.
We’ve all been too tired or too lazy to want to go somewhere. Whether it’s because the event simply isn’t my kind of fun, or because I have to get up very early the next day, or simply because the weather is crap and I’d rather stay home and read — I’ve learned that “No, thank you” is a full sentence, and there’s nothing to be sorry about.
2. Not Attending Optional Work Events
In my full-time job, I’m part of a team of people with whom I have a friendly and comfortable relationship. From time to time, there comes a chance for some additional bonding – be that a large corporate event for an entire office of a thousand people or an outing of a smaller scale, like a bowling night just for our team.
Sometimes I feel like going. Most of the time, I don’t.
I don’t believe that working together calls for more time to be spent together outside our working hours. We can chat in the office, joke around during team meetings, book desks next to one another on our office days, but why push it further? I’ve heard arguments in defense of socializing, leaving your house to participate in the life outside of it, and of course, let’s not forget that humans are supposed to be herd animals. All of these rest on the assumption that I have no life outside of work.
While it’s true my best friend and I have met at work, I have a rich life outside of it. I have friends to spend quality time with, events and places I go to even when my friends aren’t available. I thrive in solitude, and when I’m in the mood for human company, it’s my close friends I reach out to, not my co-workers. The fact that my colleagues and I have a good relationship might be because we keep a healthy distance from one another. We’ve adapted to tolerate and, in some cases, even like one another in order to have comfortable working conditions. Getting together on a regular basis to drink, play bowling, or attend a workshop is pushing things a bit too far — to the point where our tolerance for one another might give way to irritation.
So yes, I have learned to say “no, thank you” when invited — sometimes way too often — to hang out with colleagues. Not necessarily because I don’t like them, not because I dislike people in general, but because I already have people I want to spend my free time with. To my coworkers, I say, “Have a nice weekend, and see you Monday.”
3. Disappearing From Social Media Without Explanation
I have been an Instagram user for years. It can be entertaining and educating, it has a lot of potential for bringing people closer together, and it’s helped me keep my finger on the cultural pulse of the world. It also has a lot of garbage content and it lets harmful ideas and opinions spread around the world faster than coronavirus. And don’t even get me started on ads.
In other words, it often feels like unintelligible noise.
There have been plenty of times when I’d fall down a rabbit hole of doomscrolling for an hour or two and then beat myself up because it retroactively felt like a complete waste of time. So I started taking breaks from Instagram. Regularly. I uninstall the app from my devices for a while when I feel like going through a detox. I channel my desire to share a picture of my cat or a delicious-looking meal by sending it to my sister or my best friend instead. And the best part is, I consume less. Non-stop consumption of online content makes my mind feel cluttered, my life unsatisfying. It robs me of peace, stillness, and even rest, leaving fatigue in its stead.
As little as going a few days without checking on my Instagram account makes me feel infinitely better about my own life and less anxious about the overall state of the world. As wonderful as it is to stay connected, I don’t really need to know what my ex-colleague from two jobs ago is up to every day, just as I don’t need to show all my followers the view of today’s sunset from my window. I can just pour myself a drink, watch the sunset in silence, and stay still for these few moments, without giving in to the whim of live-streaming my life. And as I log back on and see unread messages from two, four, six days ago, I resist the urge to explain my absence and just reply to the texts. No apologies necessary.
One thing to be mentioned here is that going offline is not equal to going AWOL and ghosting your friends and family. The closest people in my life have my phone number. I don’t need to be online to stay in touch with the people that truly matter. And ghosting your Instagram feed? Sometimes that’s the best form of self-care you can offer to yourself.
4. When People Misunderstand What I Said And Get Offended
Being misunderstood deserves a place of honor on the list of my biggest fears. Someone being misunderstood and offended by an opinion I expressed – in a real-life conversation or in my writing — is a lethal combo the fear of which still has huge presence in my life. Yet I’m happy to say that, slowly, I’ve been getting better at resisting the urge to apologize after my words being misinterpreted.
I’m not averse to nuanced conversations, but they tend to get out of hand if my conversation partner is determined to see the meaning they wish to see in my words, and not the meaning I actually intended. There’s only so much additional explaining I can offer to clear up any misunderstanding — and I do offer it because I believe we should take partial responsibility for how our words might affect someone’s feelings or actions. But not for their assumptions. I’m not to blame if someone’s determined to be offended by making assumptions as to what I meant, even though I explained it was not, in fact, what I meant at all.
Going through socially uncomfortable and possibly hostile situations like this can contribute to a habit of preemptively editing yourself to avoid misinterpretation, but it’s exhausting. It’s stifles genuine self-expression and represses honest conversations. If refusing to apologize when you’re clearly wrong sits at one end of the spectrum, apologizing to someone blinded by their assumptions sits at the other.
There’s a fine line between compassion and shrinking myself beneath the weight of someone’s assumptions about me, but I try my best to walk it anyway. Sometimes resisting the urge to offer unjustified apologies is more difficult than admitting we’re wrong when we actually are. Sometimes we have to walk away from a conversation — or a relationship — without ever opening someone’s eyes to their unfair assumptions. But it’s essential to remain grounded to preserve something pure and sacred – our relationship with ourselves.
As much as I’m trying to own my process of reducing my apologies, it’s still a process. The roots of my people-pleasing habit are buried so deep in my past, I don’t know if I’ll ever be rid of it for good, but that’s not for the lack of trying. Finding balance between honoring your own needs and being there for other people can be a challenging endeavor, but it’s also a worthy quest that, if pursued with dedication, will enrich your relationships with others and, most importantly, with yourself.
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